


Spring Wind

by SparklyWitch



Series: Heatwave [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Happy Ending (sort of), M/M, Post-Break Up, Reconciliation (sort of), You probably don't need to read the rest of the series to understand this story, anyway the boys are getting better at communication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:14:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22478482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklyWitch/pseuds/SparklyWitch
Summary: Jim and Spock finally talk.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Heatwave [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1125615
Comments: 21
Kudos: 76





	Spring Wind

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!!! So here's the sort of promised final part of the Heatwave series!
> 
> I'll be honest, I didn't want to write this part because I was kind of satisfied with Heatwave's ending. I never thought I would turn it into a somehow happy resolution for Jim and Spock, but you guys asked for the aftermath and this is what pictured. Thank you all so much for the amazing support and reviews, truly, I don't have the words to express how happy they made me. 
> 
> So I hope this lives up to your expectations! As usual, English is not my first language, no beta, so I apologize for the spelling mistakes or grammatical errors you are most likely to find in your reading. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It took him an entire month before he had the courage to face Jim.

At first, Spock had simply been too angry to see reason, unable to comprehend anything past the vision of two entangled bodies lost together in the throes of passion. The memories of that day would not leave him be, not even at night, haunting his every dream and waking him up with a now familiar taste of bile in his mouth.

Leaving New Vulcan in haste was unplanned. Finding his way back to Earth was unplanned. Knocking on Leonard McCoy’s door was unplanned. Spock had been incapable of thinking clearly at the time and could only react to the bitter circumstances, driven by a primal instinct that urged him to protect what was left of his shattered dignity. Leonard had opened his home to him without a word, his silent support akin to a balm on a fresh and burning wound.

“ _Jim knows you’re here?_ ” was all he asked.

“ _I do not wish for him to know. Please, do not inform him of my presence,_ ” Spock had quietly answered.

Leonard had simply nodded his assent and that had been that.

Looking back, Spock realized that his behavior had been unfair and unfit. Running away was cowardly and despite the sting of the betrayal, Jim did not deserve the brutal manner he had been left behind. He was only human, after all, and unaware of their traditions, but every time Spock about contacting his Captain, some acrimonious part of him remembered that Elder Selik could perfectly answer any question the man had. It showcased a cruelty he had not previously believed himself capable of, but then again, Spock had always been half defective.

And so he kept quiet, refused to answer Jim’s numerous calls, stayed hidden from his entourage as he quickly worked to fill and transfer the necessary paperwork in order to gain complete freedom at last. For one thing was quite clear in his mind; he could not stay in Starfleet. Could not keep walking down the path his counterpart had originally led him on. Would not allow the man’s schemes to keep influencing him any longer.

That night, he listened to Jim’s frantic message and nearly crushed the communicator in his hand.

Eventually, reasonable thoughts managed to break through his solid shell. The Enterprise would soon take off once more, continuing on its 5 years mission with a new First Officer and Spock… could not allow his relationship with Jim to end this way. The Captain deserved answers and, frankly, so did he.

For the truth was, Spock could not even begin to conceive what had happened within the four walls of Selik’s home that day. Why Jim had accepted to act as Selik’s mate and help him through the Fever. Had he been fully aware of the ramifications when he had opened himself to a bond with the Elder? Had he not cared at all that he was betraying Spock? Had he even seen the act as one of betrayal?

He did not know and the uncertainty nearly drove him mad.

Spock needed answers. Still, he did not reach out to Jim. The voicemails were hard enough, he was certain that if he were to contact the man and see him in person, he would not be able to stand listening to his empty promises. Jim regretted what he did, that much was certain, that much Spock did not doubt, and he would apologize and beg him to stay in Starfleet and Spock would cave. He would. He had never been able to refuse Jim anything, that is what led them to this unfortunate situation in the first place. Had he stood strong, had he rejected the man like he had known he should, Jim would have been free to pursue a romantic relationship with Elder Selik without trying to replace him with the lesser version of the man. They would have been able to salvage their friendship.

What was done could not be undone. Kaiidth.

McCoy had not been happy to learn of his decision to resign from Starfleet. Spock had patiently endured his 24.5 minutes long berating and his lack of protest must have been enough to prove the seriousness of his decision because Leonard had not once tried to change his mind, despite his clear desire to do so.

However, he had insisted that Spock finally “ _gets off his ass_ ” and contact Jim.

“ _You owe him a_ _chance to give his side of the story, Spock. I know he screwed up, but I think we both know that he deserves closure. Don’t be a_ _vindictive_ _asshole by denying him that._ ”

However, the final push came from the news that the Enterprise would depart in a week time. That was it. Spock could no longer afford to postpone their confrontation. He took his leave from McCoy and, at last, left the safety of his home.

According to the Doctor, Jim had not left the apartment he had initially shared with Spock. The news surprised him. Perhaps it should not have. Spock made easily made his way to the heart of San Francisco, unsure if he should be grateful or not for the short distance separating Leonard’s house from Jim’s apartment.

For 37.5 long minutes, he stayed standing in front of the building, unsure on how to proceed before he finally worked up the courage to step inside. He absentmindedly greeted the doorman, pressed on the elevator button without truly realizing it, arrived at their floor faster than he would have thought, crossed the hallway in a blur and, finally, raised a slightly shaky hand to knock on a familiar door.

He could not exactly tell how long it took for Jim to open the door, so distracted that he was by his irregular, pounding heartbeat.

He had to get a hold of himself, he had to stop acting so ridiculous, he had to –…

The door opened and Spock’s breath caught in his throat.

Jim blinked disbelievingly at first before he physically reeled back, eyes widening in shock.

“Spock”, he whispered in wonder.

Spock gave an uneasy nod of his head. “Captain.” To his deep relief, his voice was perfectly steady.

Slowly, Jim’s eyes darkened in apparent anger.

“I’m surprised you finally decided to rejoin the land of the living,” he mocked with a sneer. “Needed some fresh air?”

Spock said nothing at the bitter remark he fairly deserved and, after a tensed moment of silence, watched as Jim sighed tiredly, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Fuck”, he croaked. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“It was not,” Spock said. “I should not have kept silent for as long as I have. For that, I apologize.”

Jim blinked in surprise, clearly thrown by the unexpected apology. “Thank you,” he said quietly. Then, opening the door wider. “Come on in.”

He accepted the invitation without a word and entered the apartment that initially used to be theirs, casting a curious look around. He had only been gone a month, yet he barely recognized it at first glance. The place was scarcely decorated, full of opened boxes that made it hard to navigate in the main living area.

“Yeah, I know, it’s a mess,” Jim said with an embarrassed grimace twisting his features. “The Enterprise is supposed to depart in a week’s time and I still have to transfer everything in the storage before the lease ends.” He threw a cautious look at Spock. “Some of your stuff is still here too, if you want…”

Spock was already shaking his head. “It is alright, I have no need of them. Nothing of importance was left behind.”

He only realized how callous, how needlessly cruel his words sounded when he saw Jim wince, looking away without a word. Spock silently chastised himself.

“I did not mean to imply –…”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jim cut him off, forcing a casual tone that still held some hurt. “It’s not like you’re wrong.” He turned around and walked towards the kitchen. “I was about to make myself some tea. You want some?”

Not even waiting for an answer, Jim left the living room. Spock sighed heavily before sitting carefully on the sofa, mindful of the few items scattered on the dark red fabric. His fingers slowly traced patterns on the seat. He had chosen this particular furniture himself, finding it to be a perfect mixture of elegance and comfort.

2.4 days after the purchase, they had left for New Vulcan.

Spock’s hand formed a fist and he closed his eyes, taking slow measured breaths and searching for his much needed calming center. Deliberately, he unfolded his tightly closed fingers.

He was back in control when Jim returned, holding two glasses. The Captain silently offered one to Spock, who took it with a grateful nod, and sat on the armchair instead of the sofa.

The silence surrounding them was filled nearly unbearable tensions.

“I don’t know where to start,” Jim, of course, spoke first.

“If I may,” Spock said hesitantly. “Should you not find any objection, I would like to speak first.”

Jim blinked. “Of course, Spock.”

Spock pushed aside any nervousness he may have been experiencing at the moment, refusing to let it deter him. During his stay at McCoy’s, he had thought long and hard about what he would say to Jim once they saw each other again. And he knew where to start.

“I would like to apologize for the unfit behavior I demonstrated on New Vulcan.” Despite the sincerity of his words, Spock realized that he sounded too cold even to his own ears and forced some softness into his tone. “My abrupt departure was… unfair to you. I should have stayed. I should have been present to answer your inquiries, as I imagine you must have had quite a few.”

Eyes widening in surprise, Jim opened and closed his mouth a few times before he eventually answered. “Yeah, that would have been nice,” he admitted quietly with only a touch of anger, as if he was not quite sure he was allowed to show anything but remorse. “I was confused, my head was a mess, and you were just gone.”

Spock lowered his head, accepting the accusation that he knew he deserved.

Jim sighed. “I can’t say I don’t understand. Let’s face it, I probably would have reacted even worse if it had been me. I just--… God, Spock, why did you never tell me about Pon Farr? If you had just said something, I never –… I wouldn’t have been in that damn house to begin with if I had known the whole story!”

Perhaps. Had Jim been told that the Elder was suffering tremendous pain and only he could offer him the relief he desperately craved for, would he have stayed put and trusted that his counterpart would successfully meditate the Fever away? Spock was not so sure.

But he was not so far gone in his own self pity that he made the mistake of voicing those thoughts out loud. They lacked fairness and were cruel. They would never know how Jim would have reacted, because Spock did not disclose all the information in time.

Still, while he did accept the part he had played, he refused to shoulder the entire blame.

He met Jim’s stare without flinching. “Your complicated history with your mother is a subject you have never discussed with me. Nor have you ever revealed the reason you cannot bear to be touched on stormy nights. Was it for lack of trust on your part, or a simple desire to keep some matters private until you were ready to share them with me?”

Jim’s blue eyes lost some of their intensity and his lips twitched into a rueful smile, small and barely there at all. “Point taken.”

Something in Spock’s chest tightened at seeing Jim so dejected. “My silence on the matter was not deliberate. I was not attempting to keep you in the dark, Jim. We were in a committed relationship and I wished for you to be my mate. As such, I would have discussed the subject with you. However, Vulcan males do not experience the Fever until an older age and I –… I had been hoping that my human heritage would spare me the experience, illogical as it may be.” His next words escaped his mouth without his consent. “I made the mistake of believing I had more time.”

The air of sadness surrounding Jim only seemed to thicken at his confession.

“Then Sarek told us about Selik,” he said.

Spock nodded. “Indeed. I had not been prepared for the revelation. Do not think that I did not understand your restlessness at the lack of information, or your desire to be assured of my counterpart’s well being. You demanded answers, as is your right. I simply wished to clear my thoughts beforehand. Was it such a unreasonable request?”

“No”, Jim said. “It wasn’t. You asked something of me and I failed to give it to you. My only excuse is that I was angry and anxious. And it seems so stupid now, because I know that Sarek wouldn’t have left Selik to suffer needlessly. Neither would you. My worry blinded me to everything else.”

“You love him.” Surprisingly, it did not hurt as much as it though it would to finally utter those words out loud. To give them life and substance. This is something he had always known, a truth he had spent too long hiding from. Jim loved his older counterpart.

Jim flinched, cast his eyes down, refused to look at him directly. “It’s not like that. I wanted to be with you.”

Ah. Not the full truth, not a complete lie either.

“Even so, your feelings for the Elder go beyond mere friendship.”

Present tense. A clear lack of denial. And, finally, the end of an absurd pretense.

It was more freeing than Spock expected it to be.

Jim did not look up, simply rubbed his face tiredly. “I wanted to be with _you_ ,” he repeated with a weary tone.

They said nothing after that, both processing the information in their own way. Somehow, Spock knew it was easier for him, if only because Jim’s feelings for the Ambassador did not come as a surprise to him. However, Jim –… Jim was the bravest man Spock had ever known, but when the Elder was concerned, he had an uncanny ability to blind himself to whatever did not fit his interest.

Only that was no longer an option. Not after what happened. Strangely, Spock hoped that Jim could find some semblance of peace in finally dropping the mask he had been wearing for so long.

Eventually, the blond looked up and observed him right back.

“I’m surprised it took so long for Bones to kick you out.”

Spock’s eyes widened in surprise. “You were aware of my location?”

An amused snort escaped Jim as he gazed upon Spock with familiar affection. Dulled, perhaps, but still there. “Of course I was. Not at first, mind you, but it wasn’t hard to figure it out and, well, Bones isn’t exactly known for his subtlety.” His smile dimmed. “I didn’t want to be too pushy. I didn’t want to… to be too smothering or suffocate you or anything. You obviously needed time and I tried to respect that.”

Spock did not know what to say to that. So he settled for a simple yet honest “Thank you.”

Jim nodded, smiling sadly. “Mind you, staying put was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But honestly, maybe the time apart was good for me too. Or not, depends on how you look at it.” With a wave of his arm, he gesture to the room around them. “I had all this space to myself to think about how I fucked up and ruined everything.”

Spock held back a sigh. “Jim –…”

“Don’t,” Jim cut him off softly. “Just –…I need to know what’s going to happen now, Spock. I need to know where we both stand.”

For the first time, Spock truly took the time to study him. Jim appeared tired, the pallor of his skin doing nothing to hide the dark circles around his eyes. But more than the physical signs, it was the aura he unknowingly emitted that truly spoke of his state. He lacked the liveliness that used to cling to him like a second skin, the blue of his eyes dull, robbed of their usual brightness, his posture slumped instead of energetic.

His stomach clenched with guilt. He should not have taken so long to come here. Kaiidth. Turning back time was not in his power. However, he could provide Jim with the explanation he needed and deserved.

Spock spoke once more. “I cannot deny that this past month has been beneficial for my frame of mind. The distance gave me a much needed insight into our relationship that I may have lacked had I decided to stay.” His lips twitched imperceptibly. Leonard had shared _many_ opinions on the subject. “Doctor McCoy refers to it as an existential crisis. I prefer to think of it as an indispensable self reflection regarding my current situation. Many truths I refused to face beforehand now appear limpid to me.”

A frown marred Jim’s face. “What do you mean?”

Spock’s eyes caught Jim’s confused stare. He could not do anything but face him directly as he finally spoke the cursed words out loud. “I profoundly despise Ambassador Spock.”

Jim froze.

“It has not always been the case,” Spock continued, ignoring the dismay his confession invoked in the Captain. “Indeed, while I was never entirely comfortable in his presence, I cannot deny the considerable admiration I felt towards this man who was so different from me despite our identical genetic material. He was everything I once thrived to become, a goal which, more often than not, appeared inaccessible to me.”

“Spock – …”

“I admired him,” Spock repeated softly. “I trusted his judgment. Allowed him to use me as a mere puppet, stirring me into the direction he wanted.”

“That’s not fair,” Jim protested. “You make him sound Machiavellian, but Selik, he’s – … Look, he’s not perfect, and I’m not saying he hasn’t made mistakes, but he’s a good man.”

Spock swallowed back the surge of bitterness filling his throat. Even now, Jim could not help but defend his older counterpart, unable to stand by as someone he deeply cared for was, according to him, unfairly criticized.

That should not have surprised him and truly, it did not. Still, the disappointment was there, raw and aching.

“I spent endless hours thinking about our situation during my… time away. I have come to the conclusion that Elder Selik influenced the course of my existence far more deeply than I care to.” Spock gave a slight shake of his head. “In such circumstances, I cannot help but wonder. Was my life one of my own choosing, or had I been naively manipulated into following one particular path all along ?” He hesitated, then quietly asked. “Did you ever really desire me, or was I but a pale reflection of the one your heart truly craved for?”

Jim frowned. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it ?” Spock pondered. “I do not know. The only thing that seems certain is that without the Elder’s interference, I would have relocated on New Vulcan. Instead, he altered my decision and deliberately guided me back aboard the Enterprise. Likewise, it is his interference in your life that sparked your interest in me.”

That seemed to anger Jim. “Give me some fucking credit, Spock”

“I mean no insult, Jim, nor am I attempting to pass any judgment. However, I would ask you to answer me with the upmost honesty. Had my counterpart not shown you his memories, demonstrating that a partnership between the two of us would not only be possible but profitable to both parties –…”

“…– _profitable_ , what the –…”

“… – would you have been so determined to have me as your First Officer ?” Spock pushed on, intent. “Would you have considered me as a potential romantic partner at all? Please, be truthful.”

Spock watched as Jim opened his mouth, ready to protest, only to then swallow back his words and look away, eyes cast down.

He supposed the silence was only confirming what he already knew. Spock nodded silently to himself, reached for the untouched cup on the coffee table and brought it to his lips, taking a sip of his tea. The liquid was tasteless. Strange.

“He wanted us to be happy.” Jim sounded tired. Subdued. “And he knew we could be happy together.”

Spock said nothing, his silence more than enough to convey his skepticism. He would never see his counterpart's actions as devoid of any sense of personal self interests, for he did not trust the man the way Jim did. He never had.

As if sensing his thoughts, Jim closed his eyes briefly, rubbing the back of his neck in a clear sign of frustration.

“Do you remember when we first met ?” He suddenly asked. The question was clearly a rhetorical one. Of course Spock remembered. “I thought you were a total douchebag.”

The memory, while embarrassing, filled him with warmth. “I believe the correct expression used was ‘pointy eared bastard’ ”

Jim snorted, letting out a rueful laugh as he shook his head with faint amusement. “Seems like a lifetime ago, now,” he said quietly. “To be honest, I barely had time to think during the Narada crisis. Selik had shown me a way to make you step down, make you see reason, and that’s all that mattered at the time. But I had no plan, not even a single idea on what to do next.” He shook his head, lost in memories. “I remember the countless of voices ringing in my ears, the judgment of everyone around me, the fate of an entire planet hanging on my shoulders… I was drowning, Spock. I was drowning in the insanity of it all, but suddenly, here you were. Back in control and trying to logic your way around one of the most reckless, idiotic, _illogical_ plan I had ever heard and I thought to myself ‘ _what a crazy bastard_ ’ ” At that, Jim looked up and fixed Spock with eyes that seemed to burn with their intensity. “ ‘ _he’s just like me_ ’.”

Spock blinked, swallowing hard.

“That’s when I knew that there had to be some truth to Selik’s words. Because I barely knew you and still, I was ready to follow you. And I did. We worked flawlessly together, Spock. You and I, we just clicked. So when they gave me the Enterprise, it was like… I don’t know, like an evidence. Crazy Vulcan or not, I wanted you as my second. I wanted you on that ship with me, challenging me constantly, pushing me beyond my limits, keeping me steadfast and strong in times of crisis.”

“My aid was not necessary,” Spock could not help but point out quietly. “Despite your lack of training, you already were a remarkable Captain.”

Jim shook his head. “With you, I was _better_.” Spock could not look away from that determined gaze, a blue storm about to crash upon him. “Selik’s memories didn’t make me want you, Spock. That was all me. But you’re right, they did influence the way I treated you, because from the very beginning, I had so much expectations about us. What we could become together, what we could be to one another. I wanted more than you were ready to give. That was unfair and I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize that.”

“Perhaps if I had acted in a manner more similar to my counterpart –…”

“ _No_ ,” Jim cut him off angrily with a growl. “ _Never_.”

Spock gave him a long look, incriminating words he had heard long ago now echoing silently around him. “I believe we are past the need of such worthless reassurances. Please, be honest.”

“I’m not lying to you,” Jim insisted with a hard edge to his voice. “I won’t pretend that there hadn’t been times where I wished things could be as easy with you as they were with him, but that was never going to happen anyway. Selik was my friend. You were _more_. I just… it was hard, seeing how completely devoted he was to his Kirk and thinking that you were never going to look at me like that. The other me was everything to him. I wanted to be just as much to you. It was stupid and selfish, Spock, but that’s on me, alright ? Not you.”

“Jim –...”

“I screwed up, I gave you every reason to doubt my words, but I’m not going to let you walk out of here believing that what I felt for you wasn’t real. You weren’t a replacement, Spock. You were the real deal and I love you.”

_Love you_. Present tense.

Spock said nothing at that, unable to fully trust Jim’s fierce reassurance, not believing the man was lying either. The Captain would never deliberately do so, but he had become a master at deceiving himself, something he and Spock had in common.

He did not know how Jim interpreted his silence, only that it seemed to rob him of his energy.

“Is this the part where I finally get to tell you what happened, that day ?” Jim hesitantly asked. “Can I please explain, Spock ?”

Finding himself unable to speak, Spock only gave a short nod of his head. Jim got up from the armchair and came to sit right next to him on the couch, closer than Spock would have preferred. Fortunately, the blond did not catch the uneasiness crossing Spock's face, for he kept his head low, staring at his hands like they held all the answers he needed to make this right.

“When I went to see Selik, that day…” he started. “I was angry at you, that's true. But it’s not the reason why I left the house. Spock, I was just… I know you've never really liked Selik, but he meant a lot to me and I was _worried_. All the secrecy around him was freaking me out and I needed to make sure he was alright. That's all. I swear to you, that was all it was.”

Jim's fingers lay on his thighs, twitching as if they yearned to grab Spock's hands. Jim was holding himself back and Spock was grateful for that. He did not think he could handle the man touching him right at this moment.

“I believe you,” was all he said.

Relief flashed through Jim's eyes. “He seemed fine, at first. Maybe a little tired, but normal. Like he wasn't even ill in the first place.”

Spock lifted an incredulous eyebrow, reluctantly impressed. It must have taken a tremendous amount of control for the Elder to behave normally despite the Fever that must have been wrecking his mind at the time.

Jim sighed. “Everything was going well. I won't lie, it was nice seeing him again, but then we started talking about the other Kirk and I –… I got too curious, I guess. Too greedy. I wanted to really _see_ what he was like. So I asked him to _show_ me.”

Something suddenly clicked in Spock’s mind. _A meld._

The missing pieces of the unsolvable puzzle that had been obsessing him for the past 29.8 days now suddenly fell into the right places, fitting the holes perfectly. Finally, Spock _understood_ and w ith great difficulty, he held back a sigh. _Oh, Jim._

Jim rubbed his forehead. “Selik didn’t want to do it at first. Said it was too risky. But you know me, can’t take no for an answer, and I guess he saw how much it meant to me because he changed his mind in the end. And Spock, it was –… Extraordinary. Magical. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before,” Jim said with a little something reverent in his voice.

He seemed lost in the memories of that day, as enthralled as he must have been when it happened. Spock felt a pang at that, resisting the urge to look away when Jim’s cheeks flushed at whatever it was he was remembering.

“Not even the meld on Delta Vega could compare. I was –… I don't even know how to explain –… I saw his memories, felt his emotions like they were my own, his love for the other Kirk and…” he hesitated, cast an uneasy look towards Spock. “… and for me. Everything was just so overwhelming and powerful, Spock, and I should have been scared, but I wasn’t because it felt right. I don’t even have the words to explain.”

_You do not need too_ , Spock thought sadly. _It is everything I had wished to experience with you_.

Wonder slowly disappearing to make place for regret. “Eventually, Selik managed to break the link. But it was too late, I had already felt everything and was rendered completely blind to everything but him. In that moment, he was all that mattered. I knew that what we were doing was wrong, even if I couldn't remember exactly why, but I just didn't care.”

“Jim –…”

Jim buried his face in his hands. “God, _I'm so sorry_ . I am so _so_ sorry, Spock.”

The guilt was real, as was the deep desire to atone and, despite all the hurt and resentment that he could not entirely put aside, Spock found himself wanting to comfort his former Captain. “Do not be, “ he said softly. “As shallow as the link must have been, there is a high probability that the compatibility of your two minds made it impossible for you to ignore the mating call, From the moment your thoughts merged with his and you accepted him as your mate, the opportunity to walk away was lost to you. It is not your –…”

“I had that opportunity.”

Spock stilled.

Clearly with great difficulty, Jim turned his face towards him. “Selik wasn’t so far gone that he…” He stopped, swallowed hard in apparent nervousness. But his eyes stayed resolute. “He –… He tried to make me leave, right after he broke the meld. I'm the one who kissed him first, who pushed until he broke. He didn’t force himself on me, Spock. It wasn’t like that at all. Neither of us were in control of our actions, but from time to time, I –… I’d have these, I don’t know how to explain it, these short moments of clarity where I could _remember_ . Moments where he stopped being my world and reality set in. ” Jim’s gaze was locked with Spock’s. “One of them lasted longer than the others and that’s when I managed to reach him. And he just… I don’t know, sort of put a telepathic wall between our two minds? All I know is that I could think again, I was entirely _me_ again, and so was Selik. The first thing he did was ask me to leave and this time, I was clear minded enough to listen.” Jim took a deep, shaky breath, and Spock prepared himself for the hit that was surely to come. “I chose to stay.”

Oh.

Spock looked down, nodding absentmindedly. _Of course_.

Jim kept speaking, an edge of desperation marring his voice. “Selik was holding himself back and kept telling me to go, but he was in so much pain, Spock. Torturous pain. I could see it. Hell, I had _felt_ it, had shared that pain with him.” _Like only true mates could_ , Spock thought unfairly. “It’s not like I wasn’t perfectly aware that leaving that place was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do and that’s what I should have done. But I just –… I couldn’t abandon him, not when I was the only one who could take that pain away. He needed me and I… I wanted to help him.” Jim made an helpless gesture with his hands, eyes pleading for understanding. “So I stayed with him.”

Spock felt nauseous. An illogical reaction, for Jim was only confirming something he already knew. And yet –... Hope was a peculiar concept, was it not ?

Jim moved as if to take his hands and, almost by reflex, Spock pulled them back out of reach. He did not need to look up to know that the blond must look positively stricken by his refusal to be touched, a gesture Jim used to do freely and was happily accepted by the Vulcan when he was still his First Officer, even before they had started their relationship.

Still, hurting Jim was not the purpose of his visit. Spock had to be fair, for the blame did not entirely lie on Jim's shoulders. He could not give the blond what he wanted, but he could give him this.

“It is not easy to witness the suffering of one you care for,” Spock said at last. “I am fully aware that you are not the sort of man who could pretend ignorance and stand idle when faced with such dilemma. Jim. Regardless of whether or not you were free of the influence of the Fever, it does not impact your compromised state of mind at the time. There was only a 12.8% chances that you could make a thoughtful and calculated decision in these extreme circumstances. You are-…” He stopped himself, not trusting his voice just yet, and kept looking down to avoid seeing expression on Jim’s face. He knew the man would recognize the loss of control for what it was. “You are only human, Jim.”

The silence that settled around them felt eerily finale, like putting one last note on a melody that had reached its inevitable end. Spock finally looked up. Far from being reassured by his words, Jim looked even more saddened than before.

“You’re not coming back, are you ?” he finally asked, tired and defeated. “Not to the Enterprise. Not to me.”

“No.”

Jim exhaled sharply, as if he had just been hit. “It’s stupid. Last time we were in this situation, you appeared out of nowhere to take your place as my First Officer. So when you came knocking on the door today, I just… I guess I was hoping…” he trailed off, unable or unwilling to voice that hope out loud.

Spock could not fault him for that.

“Starfleet was his path,” he tried to explain the only way he could. “I wish to forge my own.”

_And perhaps that path will cross yours once more someday_ , was what he left unsaid.

Spock got up from the sofa, grateful when Jim decided to stay seated and granted him his space, allowing him to leave. Jim's determination was akin to a force of nature and Spock did not think he could handle it if the Captain tried to convince him to stay, for there was a high probability that he would say yes.

For his own good, he could not do so.

Spock lifted his hand, fingers parting to form the Ta'al. “Good luck, Captain.”

“Luck ?” Jim let out a small laugh, weak but not insincere. “I thought Vulcans didn’t believe in luck.”

“I find that many of my previous beliefs have changed at your contact.” Something desolate crossed Jim’s features and Spock quickly added. “I would not have it any other way.”

Jim blinked, eyes strangely wet as his lips formed a small smile that still held a touch of sadness. “I’m glad.”

There was nothing left to say. And yet the sense of closure Spock expected to come out of this confrontation did not appear like it should have. He had said his piece but felt no relief. In fact, the burden on his shoulders seemed somehow heavier than it was before and his chest tightened painfully at one simple thought.

He might never see Jim again.

_It is for the best_ , he tried to convince himself.

Spock slowly put his hand down and, with one last nod at Jim, turned around and walked away.

“Spock”, Jim's voice stopped him right as he reached the front door. “I don't want to presume anything, but –… I mean, would it be alright with you if I … if I waited ?”

_What?_

He turned back to look at the blond, brows furrowed, unable to hide his confusion.

Jim's eyes softened. “I told you; you're the real deal,” he said. Stated, truly, like a matter of fact that should not and could not be disputed. “And if there's a chance –…” He cleared his throat, looking right at Spock despite his obvious embarrassment, unable to fully hide the threads of hope lacing his tone. “Spock, is there a chance ?”

Spock stayed silent a long moment. “I do not know,” he finally revealed in a breath.

Somehow, his answer seemed to infuse Jim with a newfound energy. “Then that's enough for me.”

“Jim”, Spock sighed. “Be reasonable. I cannot promise that –…”

“I don't need you to promise anything,” Jim reassured him quickly, getting up from the couch at last and taking a few steps towards Spock. “Neither of us know what the future is made of, I know that. But I want to give it a chance.”

“You might meet someone and –…”

“No,” Jim cut him off abruptly.

“… _I_ might eventually meet someone,” Spock pointed out, not unkindly.

Not that it was a very likely scenario. Spock could not imagine himself wanting anyone else. But he could not –… He did not want Jim to suffer needlessly because of him, hoping for something that might never come to pass. Would it not be better to close this chapter of their lives and move on?

Jim's jaw tightened and he swallowed hard. “I know,” he admitted painfully. “That would make more sense, actually. You're so amazing, Spock, you don't even know. I'm not –… I'm not asking for a promise from you, that's not what this is about. You don't owe me anything. Hell, it would take a miracle for you to get over what happened. But Spock, I –… I just –…”

Apparently unable to finish, to give life to the words he so clearly and desperately wanted to say, Jim simply shook his head, silently begging Spock to understand.

Spock should put a stop to this. He had come here today to give them both a sense of closure, that was all. Their relationship had no future and it would be irresponsible to do anything but refute Jim's demands and walk away. There was no reason to believe that they would succeed where they had already failed once before. Therefore, even entertaining the possibility of a future together was illogical.

He should leave. That is what he should do. He should –…

He should do a lot of things.

“You might be waiting for a long time,” Spock whispered his warning. A last one.

Jim held his breath. “That's alright,” he answered just as quietly, voice full of tremors, eyes shining bright with disbelief and the beginning of joy. “I don't mind.”

He smiled.

The warmth filling his chest felt like a gift and Spock found himself smiling back.


End file.
